i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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