just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
