If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
