I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
