Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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