I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it's like iHOP with fire
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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