An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The best revenge is premature balding
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
