I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
