Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
