I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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