Is it normal to miss your booty call?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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