Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
