Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
