I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
