Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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