I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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