Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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