Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
