I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
