My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
