Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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