The maid of honor just puked.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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