your thong is hanging out like whoa
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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