im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
