Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
