You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
