I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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