so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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