do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
