I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
