May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
