can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
