The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
try to milk me bitch
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