Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
