I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
