I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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