I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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