he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize