i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
