First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
