Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
