A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
