sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
