I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
