Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
