Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
