I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
