I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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