STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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