he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm both gender and math confused
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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