Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
