A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
