I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
