don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
