Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
